Psychic X has something to say...
Greetings from the alert mind of Psychic X...if you would like to be surprised...stop reading this immediately! If you are prepared to know what the future holds for you, gather your courage, and maybe a champagne in a can, and read on...
ARIES: Fiona Apple is making a comeback after 6 years of artistic silence. Take a cue from the rail thin diva. Don’t date Marilyn Manson and get out of the dirty bath tub. Now.
TAURUS: Some may criticize you for your less than subtle approach to life. This month, pretend to listen, but while you nod and “mmm-hmm” just imagine Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal holding hands and shopping together at Barney’s. Then go see Bareback, I mean, Brokeback Mountain. All will become clear.
GEMINI: Lucy Liu once said, and I quote, "Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend." We know she’s a smart lady. Now stop biting other people’s fingernails. Everything is going to be OK.
PISCES: Word on the street is, David Duchovony is coming out of the closet…that’s right, we all knew it in our heart of hearts…he’s a lesbian! Pisces, I think it’s time for you to step out of the closet as well and fess up to those things that are obvious to the rest of us but not to you for some reason. Oh, and while you’re out, would you grab me something to drink, like a Mr. Pibb, maybe?
LEO: Richard Prior and Patrick Stewart have a lot in common. They both like juice, they’ve both been to Spain, and they’re your real parents! Surprise!
SAGITTARIUS: If you are planning on taking a weekend trip, remember to pack some extra undies and take the new Kelly Clarkson album with you. If someone cuts you off in traffic on your way to Vegas, run them down, cut them off, park the car, get out and then startbashing their windshield with it.
AQUARIUS: If a Baldwin falls in the forest, does anyone hear it? I think you can hear it. I also think you can hear the phone ringing. It’s Alec. Don’t pick up.
CANCER: If a Sagittarius invites you to go on a weekend trip to Vegas this month, remind them that American Idol is optional viewing. It’s just not required, I don’t care what anyone says. Oh, and if you want to listen to your Kelly Clarkson album ever again don’t bring it to Vegas.
LIBRA: You are going to be balanced on the back of a very shaky Tyra Banks this month. Don’t anger her and she’ll just go away.
CAPRICORN: I know that you often asked yourself what happened to your awesome recipie for Beefaroni Cupcakes. Oprah has stolen it and will be airing your family secret this week. Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to make her pay. Just don’t wear anything purple, it makes her go into berserker mode.
VIRGO: I see ninjas in your future. And a new micro-mini dress.
SCORPIO: If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we’d all have a bowl of granola, wouldn’t we? Amy Sedaris won’t marry you, Scorpio, but I’m sure she’ll let you go out with her imaginary boyfriend.
Celestial Greetings,
Psychic X
ARIES: Fiona Apple is making a comeback after 6 years of artistic silence. Take a cue from the rail thin diva. Don’t date Marilyn Manson and get out of the dirty bath tub. Now.
TAURUS: Some may criticize you for your less than subtle approach to life. This month, pretend to listen, but while you nod and “mmm-hmm” just imagine Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal holding hands and shopping together at Barney’s. Then go see Bareback, I mean, Brokeback Mountain. All will become clear.
GEMINI: Lucy Liu once said, and I quote, "Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend." We know she’s a smart lady. Now stop biting other people’s fingernails. Everything is going to be OK.
PISCES: Word on the street is, David Duchovony is coming out of the closet…that’s right, we all knew it in our heart of hearts…he’s a lesbian! Pisces, I think it’s time for you to step out of the closet as well and fess up to those things that are obvious to the rest of us but not to you for some reason. Oh, and while you’re out, would you grab me something to drink, like a Mr. Pibb, maybe?
LEO: Richard Prior and Patrick Stewart have a lot in common. They both like juice, they’ve both been to Spain, and they’re your real parents! Surprise!
SAGITTARIUS: If you are planning on taking a weekend trip, remember to pack some extra undies and take the new Kelly Clarkson album with you. If someone cuts you off in traffic on your way to Vegas, run them down, cut them off, park the car, get out and then startbashing their windshield with it.
AQUARIUS: If a Baldwin falls in the forest, does anyone hear it? I think you can hear it. I also think you can hear the phone ringing. It’s Alec. Don’t pick up.
CANCER: If a Sagittarius invites you to go on a weekend trip to Vegas this month, remind them that American Idol is optional viewing. It’s just not required, I don’t care what anyone says. Oh, and if you want to listen to your Kelly Clarkson album ever again don’t bring it to Vegas.
LIBRA: You are going to be balanced on the back of a very shaky Tyra Banks this month. Don’t anger her and she’ll just go away.
CAPRICORN: I know that you often asked yourself what happened to your awesome recipie for Beefaroni Cupcakes. Oprah has stolen it and will be airing your family secret this week. Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to make her pay. Just don’t wear anything purple, it makes her go into berserker mode.
VIRGO: I see ninjas in your future. And a new micro-mini dress.
SCORPIO: If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we’d all have a bowl of granola, wouldn’t we? Amy Sedaris won’t marry you, Scorpio, but I’m sure she’ll let you go out with her imaginary boyfriend.
Celestial Greetings,
Psychic X
posted by Syniva at 2:10 PM
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