psychic x returns

MAY 2009

(ok, I know it's been a few years...I got back from my vision quest as soon as I could. You know when people tell you that the desert loves no one? That includes psychics. I did indeed get rid of the scorpion in my pants...yes, I told you I saw it coming, but I really didn't see where it was going after that since I blacked out. I woke up and found myself on a beach in Hawaii with a margarita (blended, no salt) in my hand. Hmm. Beware the scorpion)


Greetings from the alert mind of Psychic X...if you would like to be surprised...stop reading this immediately! If you are prepared to know what the future holds for you, gather your courage, and maybe a cigarette, and read on...

ARIES: 2+2 does not always equal 4...or does it? This week you will be astounded by the amazing places blatant stupidity can take you. Like into the movie theater to actually pay to see Beyonce in Obsessesd.

TAURUS: Your recent fascination with man-imals will lead to many botched science experiements. It may also lead you to grow an excessive amount of hair and develop a "Jekyl and Hyde" issue. In your case, something more like "Elmo and Bea Arthur"

GEMINI: Psychic X knows that sometimes you feel a nostalgic yearning for the television of olde: Magnum PI, The Waltons, Hawaii 5 O, Little House on the Prairie, just to name a few. Don't worry, they're re-making everything these days, and the budgets are shrinking so I'm sure they'll come up with some sort of pioneer vampire cop show staring Tom Selleck. Oh, wait, Twilight came out a while back already, didn't it?

PISCES: I have seen the future...and Christian Bale will be there to save us all as old John Connor in Terminator:Salvation. I'm afraid he may not remember to text you to let you know he's on his way.

LEO: Oprah will give you a new car, house, snack, drug, and road trip all while managing to make you feel bad about your fluctuating weight.

SAGITTARIUS: Ellen just celebrated her 1000th episode while dancing and and humping the air to a crowd full of women hot for her mojo. You will also be celebrating the 1000th episode of the sitcom that's been playing in your head for the last 12 years. You didn't see that coming, did you? Who knew whip cream could even do that?

AQUARIUS: Wear sunscreen this week and you will be sure to avoid the calamity I see in your near future. Be sure to get SPF 10000 and it might not be a bad idea to go in on some gas masks and build a bunker type thing in your house. Oh, wait... my mistake....that won't happen until 20009, not 2009!!! HA!!!!These funny psychic things KILL me!

CANCER: Aiiiieee!Aiiieeee! OHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Beep. Your future looks bright. You'd better wear shades.

LIBRA: I see a sexy Brad Pitt type in your future. Don't let him adopt all your kids. Not yet. Wait until he promises to apologize for Benjamin Button.

CAPRICORN: You know the saying "Mo' money, mo' problems?". It's a load of crap. sell out as soon as the opportunity arises.

VIRGO: You will receive a visit from your spirit guide while watching the final season of the L Word. Your spirit guide will. in fact, be played by Jennifer Beale.

SCORPIO: Stay away from bears. And books. And Ryan Seacrest.


xoxo,

x

Seeing Art

Dear Reader,

Even though these economic times may have convinced you to turn your mattress into a safety deposit box and consider a life of crime a viable retirement plan, that does not mean you've given up on doing these things with style. The recent MFA thesis exhibition at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago inspired me to throw some cash at these lovely and brilliant artists with more interesting ideas for what visual art can be than I can shake a stick at. Go see it. Window shopping is allowed.


Love and biscuits,

bruce




From High Ceilings to High Craft: SAIC Graduate Thesis Events 2009
Graduate Exhibition
May 2-15
Sullivan Galleries
33 S. State Street, 7th Floor
Reception: May 1, 8-11pm
Gallery hours: Tuesday-Saturday 11am-6pm
Free admission

Greetings from a can of chili. Your MAY 2006 horoscope.

Psychic X is on an extended "vacation". A can of chili will be standing in for her.

LIBRA

The future is so bright, you've got to wear your sunglasses at night. If you don't, Hugh Jackman will haunt your ass. This could be either really good or really bad.

TAURUS

"I'm talking...you fuckwit, fucking photographers you should be shot. You should all be shot. Thank you."Sir Elton John really said this. In public at Cannes. While presenting an award. This could be either a really good thing or a really bad thing. Oh, so is he gay? I'm not sure. I think he's just really flambouyant.

AQUARIUS

You'll feel like you're stuck in a John Woo movie starring Jackie Chan and Ralph Fiennes for the next 60 days.

SCORPIO

Remember when you were the governor of New Jersey and you would suck off truckers while playing a harmonica? You do the math. I mean, math will help you figure out how you were playing the harmonica. Anyways, Bob Dylan says "Booyah! Mofo.". He forsees great underwear in your future.

SAGITTARIUS

If you're feeling overwhelmed at work these days it's because Catherine Zeta-Jones is plotting against you. She put the camera in your decorative sconce, the one by the fake fern. Destroy it.

GEMINI

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have been put on this earth to demonstrate to us all that money can buy people to give you taste, but it can't buy you YSL shoes that fit (especially if you wear a child's size 4). This could be either a really good thing or a really bad thing.

LEO

I see you getting really tired this week from running up and down the stairs at work with Jessica Simpson. She's not trying to kill you, one of her extensions is caught in your pants. This is a really bad thing.

CANCER

The conference call with the Baldwin brothers is going to go badly. If they confront you afterwards simply present them with cheese and crackers, mmmm, something nice like a good brie and some Sociables should do.

CAPRICORN

After being hit on by Charo you may find yourself knocked up and locked up in a small yet clean hotel room with lily scented soaps in the bathroom. This hotel is in Buenos Aries. This is a really good thing.

PISCES

Don't fight the Seether. Don't fear the Reaper.

ARIES

If you cross Sarah Jessica Parker with Sarah Michelle Gellar, what do you get? Something small and sturdy. Use her to climb things.

VIRGO
Ralph Fiennes and Natasha Richardson starred in the last Merchant-Ivory film. Natasha played a classy whore. Model your wardrobe on this character. You will become a classy whore.

Thanks for reading.
xoxo,

The Chili

The photpgraph above is of a wild Squid reading epic literature. She is not a can of chili. She is friends with a can of chili. Photo taken by Syniva Whitney.

Tom cruise stars in a gay comedy. Again.

My dear little crescent rolls,

I apologize for my silence. A week long vacation on Fire Island turned into more of a being held captive for months in a room full of Crisco and cotton candy sort of thing. I'm alive, but the dry cleaning list is quite long. Bruce is back and ready for some graceful action. I missed you too, my stupid little kittens...

Ok, so, I haven't seen the movie yet, dear reader. As a general rule I'm full of...wait, a sec. Hold on. My pants just fell down a little bit. Damn Juicy Couture. But, wait...oh yes, Tom. Tommasino. The Tom in Tomkat. We all know you don't just dump Nicole Kidman with your adopted children and knock up a recent grad for no apparent reason. Not that we all don't have our homosexual reasons for doing that. They're usually fun ones involving lube. But after the laughter fades, you find yourself alone and naked on the couch watching the rooftop scene of Moulin Rouge over and over again, stuffin' your face full of placenta.

But, really, Scientology (a.k.a....Stress Test, anyone? Anyone?) indicates a fun state of mind. God Bless America. You know why? Mr. Hubbard requires that we all breed robot children to fight the impending alien invasion. What's more fun than a grand ol' invasion? So get ready, dump your lezzer wife and hit the local university...pick up some fertile hips, maybe a few snacks. The time has come, dear reader. Mission Impossible 3 may be the last great gay comedy of our time. Keep your eyes on the heavens and get ready for the fight you Tomkats, you. The aliens on Fabulon 6 are just waiting until we run out of gasoline. I think that's going to happen sometime next week. So, you know...

love and jiu jitsu,

bruce.




(photo courtesy of Syniva Whitney)

A Star is "Born"

Okay, it's time for way too much nutmeg and booze. What the hell is in egg nog? What is "nog"? All I want for Christmas is a goddamn cheetah. I'm gonna get me one of those cheetahs and ride it to the Macy's after X-mas sale. Meet you there, I'll get you a Frappucino!

This wednesday is the winter solstice, the longest night of the year. I think I'll cozy up with a bottle of "nog" and the latest issue of Star magazine. They say there was some sort of "star" around when the "messiah" was born. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will give birth under a "Star" in the city of "San Francisco". I shall name him Herbert, because, why the hell not. You can't stop me. Maybe I should lay off the "nog". Season's Greetings, dear ones.

Love and "nog",

bruce.

As Rumour Has It...

In her latest addition to the pantheon of "great" films, Jen Aniston will make out with Kevin Costner. Ewwww! If that was in the name of art, honey, really, it's too much.

love and condoms,


bruce.

Lord Voldemort Returns

After seeing Harry Potter and the Crotch Lit on Fire I was waiting for my driver, Emile, to pick me up outside of the Kabuki Theater. That's not a very exciting intro, I know, HOWEVER (my little buttery croissant dough) it gets better.

I bent down to straighten the very straight leg of my Jil Sander trousers and LO AND BEHOLD, I see Ian Holm walking down the street. This in itself isn't very interesting, HOWEVER, he was wearing a pair of those giant joke sunglasses in yellow. I think that's damn exciting.

If Elton John had been there, I'm sure we would've all gone out for drinks and discussed the return of Lord Voldemort together. Maybe Elton would've lent me a pair of sunglasses and I could become a member of the "club".

Anyhoo, this didn't happen, of course. I think we can all agree it's a shame, what happened to that Diggory boy, but can't we all just get along? If the Deatheaters win, Goth fashion will dominate the world. There will be no place for me to wear my Versace sundress. Just think about it.

Love and Beef Muffins,


bruce.

The Jennifer Aniston Equation

Dear You,

Today I asked myself, "Why do so many people find Jennifer Aniston attractive?" I've thought about this long and hard...o.k., not too hard, I didn't skip my Who's the Boss rerun to speculate or anything. But really, I just don't get it. I find her terribly bland, and well, horsey. And not really a good horsey. Not a plucky Cameron Diaz "NEIGH!!!" horsey. The Cameron equation is such that (C being Cameron)

C=horsey/plucky x semen in the hair + Drew Barrymore affiliation(JT beard girlfriend)=cute in a sleepy sort of way x bland(yet sassy) acting skills= "Attractive."

I thought someone might be able to help me with this new Aniston equation I'm working on, someone with a subscription to In Touch magazine, possibly someone that thinks botox is an organic vitamin supplement.

What is Jennifer's secret. She is incredibley beige. That's all I have. Maybe that's her secret? I'm sure we can come up with a proof that qualifies her grip on the public psyche...maybe she's a warlock... or something really sinister, like a Swedish ninja. Let me know when the realization strikes you, even if you're on the crapper. I promise to keep you "abreast" of Aniston developments, my sweet little buttery crescent rolls.

Friends and a hot plate,

bruce.