Greetings from a can of chili. Your MAY 2006 horoscope.

Psychic X is on an extended "vacation". A can of chili will be standing in for her.

LIBRA

The future is so bright, you've got to wear your sunglasses at night. If you don't, Hugh Jackman will haunt your ass. This could be either really good or really bad.

TAURUS

"I'm talking...you fuckwit, fucking photographers you should be shot. You should all be shot. Thank you."Sir Elton John really said this. In public at Cannes. While presenting an award. This could be either a really good thing or a really bad thing. Oh, so is he gay? I'm not sure. I think he's just really flambouyant.

AQUARIUS

You'll feel like you're stuck in a John Woo movie starring Jackie Chan and Ralph Fiennes for the next 60 days.

SCORPIO

Remember when you were the governor of New Jersey and you would suck off truckers while playing a harmonica? You do the math. I mean, math will help you figure out how you were playing the harmonica. Anyways, Bob Dylan says "Booyah! Mofo.". He forsees great underwear in your future.

SAGITTARIUS

If you're feeling overwhelmed at work these days it's because Catherine Zeta-Jones is plotting against you. She put the camera in your decorative sconce, the one by the fake fern. Destroy it.

GEMINI

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have been put on this earth to demonstrate to us all that money can buy people to give you taste, but it can't buy you YSL shoes that fit (especially if you wear a child's size 4). This could be either a really good thing or a really bad thing.

LEO

I see you getting really tired this week from running up and down the stairs at work with Jessica Simpson. She's not trying to kill you, one of her extensions is caught in your pants. This is a really bad thing.

CANCER

The conference call with the Baldwin brothers is going to go badly. If they confront you afterwards simply present them with cheese and crackers, mmmm, something nice like a good brie and some Sociables should do.

CAPRICORN

After being hit on by Charo you may find yourself knocked up and locked up in a small yet clean hotel room with lily scented soaps in the bathroom. This hotel is in Buenos Aries. This is a really good thing.

PISCES

Don't fight the Seether. Don't fear the Reaper.

ARIES

If you cross Sarah Jessica Parker with Sarah Michelle Gellar, what do you get? Something small and sturdy. Use her to climb things.

VIRGO
Ralph Fiennes and Natasha Richardson starred in the last Merchant-Ivory film. Natasha played a classy whore. Model your wardrobe on this character. You will become a classy whore.

Thanks for reading.
xoxo,

The Chili

The photpgraph above is of a wild Squid reading epic literature. She is not a can of chili. She is friends with a can of chili. Photo taken by Syniva Whitney.

Tom cruise stars in a gay comedy. Again.

My dear little crescent rolls,

I apologize for my silence. A week long vacation on Fire Island turned into more of a being held captive for months in a room full of Crisco and cotton candy sort of thing. I'm alive, but the dry cleaning list is quite long. Bruce is back and ready for some graceful action. I missed you too, my stupid little kittens...

Ok, so, I haven't seen the movie yet, dear reader. As a general rule I'm full of...wait, a sec. Hold on. My pants just fell down a little bit. Damn Juicy Couture. But, wait...oh yes, Tom. Tommasino. The Tom in Tomkat. We all know you don't just dump Nicole Kidman with your adopted children and knock up a recent grad for no apparent reason. Not that we all don't have our homosexual reasons for doing that. They're usually fun ones involving lube. But after the laughter fades, you find yourself alone and naked on the couch watching the rooftop scene of Moulin Rouge over and over again, stuffin' your face full of placenta.

But, really, Scientology (a.k.a....Stress Test, anyone? Anyone?) indicates a fun state of mind. God Bless America. You know why? Mr. Hubbard requires that we all breed robot children to fight the impending alien invasion. What's more fun than a grand ol' invasion? So get ready, dump your lezzer wife and hit the local university...pick up some fertile hips, maybe a few snacks. The time has come, dear reader. Mission Impossible 3 may be the last great gay comedy of our time. Keep your eyes on the heavens and get ready for the fight you Tomkats, you. The aliens on Fabulon 6 are just waiting until we run out of gasoline. I think that's going to happen sometime next week. So, you know...

love and jiu jitsu,

bruce.




(photo courtesy of Syniva Whitney)