Lord Voldemort Returns

After seeing Harry Potter and the Crotch Lit on Fire I was waiting for my driver, Emile, to pick me up outside of the Kabuki Theater. That's not a very exciting intro, I know, HOWEVER (my little buttery croissant dough) it gets better.

I bent down to straighten the very straight leg of my Jil Sander trousers and LO AND BEHOLD, I see Ian Holm walking down the street. This in itself isn't very interesting, HOWEVER, he was wearing a pair of those giant joke sunglasses in yellow. I think that's damn exciting.

If Elton John had been there, I'm sure we would've all gone out for drinks and discussed the return of Lord Voldemort together. Maybe Elton would've lent me a pair of sunglasses and I could become a member of the "club".

Anyhoo, this didn't happen, of course. I think we can all agree it's a shame, what happened to that Diggory boy, but can't we all just get along? If the Deatheaters win, Goth fashion will dominate the world. There will be no place for me to wear my Versace sundress. Just think about it.

Love and Beef Muffins,


bruce.

The Jennifer Aniston Equation

Dear You,

Today I asked myself, "Why do so many people find Jennifer Aniston attractive?" I've thought about this long and hard...o.k., not too hard, I didn't skip my Who's the Boss rerun to speculate or anything. But really, I just don't get it. I find her terribly bland, and well, horsey. And not really a good horsey. Not a plucky Cameron Diaz "NEIGH!!!" horsey. The Cameron equation is such that (C being Cameron)

C=horsey/plucky x semen in the hair + Drew Barrymore affiliation(JT beard girlfriend)=cute in a sleepy sort of way x bland(yet sassy) acting skills= "Attractive."

I thought someone might be able to help me with this new Aniston equation I'm working on, someone with a subscription to In Touch magazine, possibly someone that thinks botox is an organic vitamin supplement.

What is Jennifer's secret. She is incredibley beige. That's all I have. Maybe that's her secret? I'm sure we can come up with a proof that qualifies her grip on the public psyche...maybe she's a warlock... or something really sinister, like a Swedish ninja. Let me know when the realization strikes you, even if you're on the crapper. I promise to keep you "abreast" of Aniston developments, my sweet little buttery crescent rolls.

Friends and a hot plate,

bruce.

STILETTO:Issue 7...more fun than a car crash

Dear Bruce-o-philes,

STILETTO is a lovely little arts mag I write for sometimes...I suggest you check out the new issue...anyways, no skin off your back. It's a free rag.

www.stilettoonline.net

love and Warhol,

bruce.

my friend Syniva took this weird picture in a void close to my house

if you'd like to see more of her art visit www.synivawhitney.com

Psychic X has something to say...

Greetings from the alert mind of Psychic X...if you would like to be surprised...stop reading this immediately! If you are prepared to know what the future holds for you, gather your courage, and maybe a champagne in a can, and read on...

ARIES: Fiona Apple is making a comeback after 6 years of artistic silence. Take a cue from the rail thin diva. Don’t date Marilyn Manson and get out of the dirty bath tub. Now.

TAURUS: Some may criticize you for your less than subtle approach to life. This month, pretend to listen, but while you nod and “mmm-hmm” just imagine Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal holding hands and shopping together at Barney’s. Then go see Bareback, I mean, Brokeback Mountain. All will become clear.

GEMINI: Lucy Liu once said, and I quote, "Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend." We know she’s a smart lady. Now stop biting other people’s fingernails. Everything is going to be OK.

PISCES: Word on the street is, David Duchovony is coming out of the closet…that’s right, we all knew it in our heart of hearts…he’s a lesbian! Pisces, I think it’s time for you to step out of the closet as well and fess up to those things that are obvious to the rest of us but not to you for some reason. Oh, and while you’re out, would you grab me something to drink, like a Mr. Pibb, maybe?

LEO: Richard Prior and Patrick Stewart have a lot in common. They both like juice, they’ve both been to Spain, and they’re your real parents! Surprise!

SAGITTARIUS: If you are planning on taking a weekend trip, remember to pack some extra undies and take the new Kelly Clarkson album with you. If someone cuts you off in traffic on your way to Vegas, run them down, cut them off, park the car, get out and then startbashing their windshield with it.

AQUARIUS: If a Baldwin falls in the forest, does anyone hear it? I think you can hear it. I also think you can hear the phone ringing. It’s Alec. Don’t pick up.

CANCER: If a Sagittarius invites you to go on a weekend trip to Vegas this month, remind them that American Idol is optional viewing. It’s just not required, I don’t care what anyone says. Oh, and if you want to listen to your Kelly Clarkson album ever again don’t bring it to Vegas.

LIBRA: You are going to be balanced on the back of a very shaky Tyra Banks this month. Don’t anger her and she’ll just go away.

CAPRICORN: I know that you often asked yourself what happened to your awesome recipie for Beefaroni Cupcakes. Oprah has stolen it and will be airing your family secret this week. Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to make her pay. Just don’t wear anything purple, it makes her go into berserker mode.

VIRGO: I see ninjas in your future. And a new micro-mini dress.

SCORPIO: If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we’d all have a bowl of granola, wouldn’t we? Amy Sedaris won’t marry you, Scorpio, but I’m sure she’ll let you go out with her imaginary boyfriend.





Celestial Greetings,

Psychic X

Tom and Turkey

Yesterday I went shopping for a new fedora at a lovely and extremely over priced store called the Old Vogue in SF's North Beach neighborhood. While I tried on some lovely leopard print short coats (one had a matching headband!) I eavesdropped on The Shopgirl and her chatty friend in a windbreaker. I think he might have been visiting from 1992, or maybe he was just visiting from Chicago.

Any who, Shopgirl went on to spill the beans about Tom Waits, an Old Vogue regular. She described him as a shy person, quite the opposite of what she expected. He bought a cape and a fedora for his wifey the last time he was in. Mr. 1992 seemed very impressed. My thought was, Mr. Waits has to shop somewhere...we don't want him running around naked...or do we? I asked myself this question as a stared at myself in the dressing room mirror. I know a rabbit fur cape with sixties ribbon stitching in orange, pink and tourquoise my not flatter every body, but it made my pectoral muscles look quite lovely. I'm sure, as a cape lover, Mr. Waits would approve.

I purchased my $10,000 cape, put it on over my polo and dockers ensemble and went on to the neighborhood market to reserve my organic, anti-biotic free, free range turkey for Thanksgiving. I grabbed a rack of lamb and a few small coneys for the festvities as well. One turkey may not be enough for 3 people. Gavin N. claims he really will show up, although I'm not sure. He flaked on me last year...it's best to be prepared. I'm a good Boy Scout and I wouldn't want to dissappoint Gavin. Damn that man can eat some meat.

love and poultry,

bruce.

Psychic X, October 2005

OCTOBER 2005

(ok, I know it's november, but why not take a walk down memory lane and remeber how right I was about October? I'll get your new horoscope to you as soon as I get rid of the scorpion in my pants...yes, I saw it coming, but being psychic doesn't protect me from the scorpion's wrath. Beware the scorpion)


Greetings from the alert mind of Psychic X...if you would like to be surprised...stop reading this immediately! If you are prepared to know what the future holds for you, gather your courage, and maybe some pretzels, and read on...

ARIES: Stop trying to figure out why you can't seem to stop thinking about Angelina Jolie. Chances are, she'll leave Brad Pitt after about a year and go back to Billy Bob Thorton...that's you, isn't it? She still sleeps with the blood necklace under her pillow.

TAURUS: Maybe you want to become an Animagus because you secretly think the Harry Potter books are real life accounts and you'll become the patronus of a cute little British orphan someday...but NO! Do not be decieved. Gary Oldman is REAL and he only did that Sci-Fi movie because he wanted to send his daughter to college and by a hybrid car. Gary cares about you, too. Don't turn into a monkey. Not yet.

GEMINI: Psychic X knows that sometimes you feel like Judy Garland and Joan Crawford are having a bitch fight in your head. Well, they are...just make sure to sleep sitting up and take a highball and an eightball in the morning. Your headache will eventually go away.

PISCES: I have seen the future...and Christian Slater's career is still going down the toilet. Did you see that last film? He played an FBI agent and was killed in a liquid nitrogen accident. His torso broke in half. That was no stunt double. Beware any large tanks full of liquid nirigen that look badly sealed. I know you were thinking about joining the FBI, but wouldn't you rather audition for The Apprentice? I thought so...

LEO: Jackie Chan is retiring. You will be in the next Jackie Chan/Owen Wilson movie. you will play Owen, Owen will play Jackie.

SAGITTARIUS: If you throw Winona Ryder into a ditch, does she not feel pain? Don't do it. Not really because of the pain thing, I think she's pretty numbed up. Oh, but you will get caught. Just drop her off at home.

AQUARIUS: Tom cruise and Katie Holmes are actually the same person. Steer clear of the gay bars and your wife won't catch you. Haven't you ever heard of a park? If you need a ride home, see SAGITTARIUS.

CANCER: I see you running through the meadow...it's cold and you're wearing the boots I made for you. Don't forget to bring snacks.

LIBRA: I see a sexy bald man in your future. It's either Skinner from the X-Files, or that guy I've seen you making out with around town. Either way, wait until the 4th date to get married. Go to Disneyland for your honeymoon or there will be cosmic hell to pay.

CAPRICORN:Your career and your love life will co-exist peacefully this month. Make sure to clean out the back seat of your car. Oh, and carry lube. You'll be glad you did.

VIRGO: Have you seen The Aviator yet? I love that Cate Blanchett. I think you will also be doing a strange Katherine Hepburn imitation very, very soon.

SCORPIO: Stay away from lagoons. And tigers. And Soleil Moon Frye.





Celestial Greetings,

Psychic X

Stalker Chanting

I ran into the lovely Ms. Stalker Chanting in Walgreens yesterday and she told me that she'd been through Morgan Freeman's garbage recently. It was full of empty Hostess cupcake packages and chicken bones. After conferring with Psychic X , I've come to the conclusion that chicken fat and beef tallow must feed the "good acting" gene.

I also wanted to share my excitement about the soon to be released Harry Potter and the Crotch Lit on Fire. I'm more excited then Dumbledore at a warlock convention. What is it about the promise of magical (yet deadly) British shenanigans and fey wizard costumery that I find so appealing? Oh...wait. That's pretty obvious.

love and beef,

bruce.

Psychic X

will be joining Seeing Stars as a semi-permanant correspondent co-anchor Tom Cruise expert denim addled co-host as soon as she blinks. If you'd like a taste of her freaky deeky forecasts please visit www.stilettoonline and read her column Seeing Stars. Yeah, I ripped it off from her but so the f*ck what. Oh, that STILETTO is also a good arts magazine. I think they feature pictures of nuns who love too much, or something.

toodle noodle peanut,
bruce.

Bruce sees dead people.

Today, Malcolm MacDowell came to me in a vision. He was wearing that sexy catsuit he wore in Star Trek Generations...he said:

"Bruce, I know I'm not really dead, but my career is. I want you to make sure that the lovely god fearing people of America never forget me...or Charro...or Tiffany..."

Then he kinda faded out...or maybe I fell asleep. Anywho, I took his creepy advice. I started wearing skin tight ensembles and writing this blog. Enjoy.

Love and biscuits,

bruce.